Friday, October 31, 2008

Life after Death

No, this isn't about anything spiritual although I noticed the title seems like it will be.

Dwayne has a cousin, probably in her mid to late forties who has been battling cancer for a few years now. A couple of nights ago, we got a call that she probably wouldn't make it through the night. This morning, we got a call that she died. I feel so bad her husband and daughter because even when it's expected it's still very hard.

This afternoon, I got a call from one of my sisters-in-law. She called to let us know she just found out she's pregnant. They have been trying for probably about 6 months now. I'm so excited for them. So, Dwayne and both of his brothers are living with pregnant wives. I think this is so cool! His parents are going to get 3 new grandchildren in the span of about 4 months. Dwayne's leading the pack, then his younger brother, and then the older brother. This will bring the grandchildren total in his family to 7.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Although I don't want to

I think I can handle almost anything. I'm not really scared of the economy crashing. I can deal with losing every material possession I own. I will pick up and move anywhere in the world if necessary. I just don't fear a whole lot of the bad things that can happen to me.

But, my one fear is something happening to any of my children. If my child was found slumped over in a SUV because of a fatal bullet wound, it would be very hard for me to get past that one. This is why I pray all day and every day for the safety of my babies. There are some things I just can't handle and hope I never have to try.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

But Where Is God?

Yesterday evening, we had a thunderstorm in our area. If you ever get to experience this with my children, you will see how different they really are. Brayden ran from window to window looking at the rain and lightning. Danae almost made me fall by holding onto my dress and following my every step.

She is TERRIFIED of the sound of thunder. Actually, she's afraid of quite a few things. A while ago, we adopted the practice of talking about the fear, reassuring her that everything will be okay, and praying about it. So, she came to me and asked me to sit on the sofa with her so we could wrap ourselves in the blanket during the storm. I reminded her that I was still cooking so I couldn't do that. But, I told her she could stay in the kitchen with me. She did, while holding onto my dress the entire time. Brayden came to pat her on the back a couple of times but he was too excited by the noise so he didn't stay long.

I asked Danae what made her afraid of thunder. She said it was loud. I told her she likes other loud things and told her noise can't hurt you. She said it sounds like it's going to break something. So, I told her we don't have to be afraid because God is there to protect us. She said she knows that but she doesn't know where he is because she's never seen him. Then, she asked me "Where is God?" I told her he's everywhere all the time. She said "but I really need to see him today." I said he lives inside us so we can't see him just like we can't see our hearts or stomachs. She then said "Okay, but I have to be good so I can see him in heaven." So, we prayed that God will make her feel safe and not so afraid. It worked.

It's hard to explain some things to children. Luckily, they accept what we say but these discussions really make you think. How do you explain God to someone who doesn't know him?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Kid Stuff

I don't have time to blog about what I wanted to but I wanted to share a couple of things.

Danae said the sweetest thing to me yesterday. We always talk about what she wants to be when she grows up. She is seriously all over the place. She wants to be a pilot, model, beautician, teacher, drawer (as in person who draws), or work in an office like daddy. But yesterday, she added "I also want to be a mommy because you're a good mommy and I love you." Is that sweet or what? She also wants to have a baby in her belly too. Brayden then told me "Yep, you're absolutely fantastic." He's into trying out big words now.

Then, last night Danae made us all join her for a tea party. During the party she got a pretend call from her friend. His name is Mark and he's 20. He lives in Hoorah! Dwayne was going off about how she doesn't need 20 year old boy friends. She said but he's cute too! I was rolling. The only reason she thought up an age and location is because Dwayne started grilling her. She makes up extra friends quite often during her pretend play and I just let her roll with it. Dwayne has to get all extra about stuff. She also thinks Chris Brown is really cute. She knows about him because he's been on Sesame Street a couple of times.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I could've been a thug Mrs.

Can you imagine it? Me either. Let's get to the story.

My first love was this sweet, cute boy named Michael. We met when we were about 15 in the choir I wrote about yesterday. He was a lot of fun to hang with and my entire family loved him. So, after hanging out a bit, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We dated for the rest of our high school years.

He was really a good guy. He was super smart, went to church every Sunday, and was very respectful. But, he came from a crazy family. His parents divorced when he was younger which really affected the four kids. He had an older brother, a twin sister, and a younger sister. His mom and dad didn't get along at all and often put the kids in the middle of their disagreements. His mom was rumored to be gay. I don't know if that was true but she did have a "friend" who lived with them. His dad remarried a very nice lady and moved on with his life. His grandma lived next door where she was raising her twin grandsons because their dad killed their mom and then himself. So, yeah, there were issues in that family.

Anyway, we dated during high school although we attended different schools. We went to prom together and everyone thought we were such a cute couple. But, things changed. As smart as he was, he had no hope for a different future. He was always told he would never be anything or do anything. And, he started to believe it. He spent almost every waking moment with me and my family...which was sometimes very annoying. But, he just needed to get away and I understood that.

Eventually, he became a different person. When we met, he was on the football team and physically fit. He became fat over time and that was not attractive to me. He lost interest in school. During our senior year, he started hanging with the wrong crowd and started selling drugs. That was also not attractive to me. He used to give me money and I would just give it back. He didn't understand that I was not to be bought. I loved the fresh 15 year old version of him, not the trappings of his new lifestyle. He did graduate from high school and I tried to encourage him to go to school or learn a trade or something. It was too late.

We ended up breaking up but he really held a special place in my heart at the time. I had so much hope that he would turn his life around and make better decisions. He was arrested but had very little dope on him so was only charged with a misdemeanor. I thought that would be the straw that broke the camel's back. At the time, I had moved to Tallahassee for school but we still kept in touch. I visited him a lot and we had one of those on again/off again relationships. Until, one weekend while I was at home. I think we were supposed to go out to eat or something. I was at my aunt's house and he lived nearby so I decided to drive to the restaurant. He got in my car, looking very tired, and then took something out of his pocket and put it in my console. Y'all, it was crack rocks! I almost lost it. At that moment, I realized everything we thought we had was gone. He didn't really love me anymore because if he did, he wouldn't have brought that in my car. I immediately threw it out of my car. I cursed him completely out and made him get out of my car. He had a long walk home that night but I was finally free of him and his problems. The boy I loved had become a man I despised. We talked a couple of times after that and he apologized. I accepted it but never let him back into my life. Of course, different people would tell me what he was up to from time to time and I found out he never got out of that lifestyle. He is currently in a federal penitentiary serving a life sentence because of Florida's three strikes law.

I saw his mom a few years ago and she told me she always thought we would get back together. When I left him alone, she was actually mad because she felt like I was giving up on him when he needed me. His twin sister and I keep in touch sometimes.

I often think about how my life could have turned out so drastically different. I'm glad I had the wisdom to kick him out of my car and my life. I have no desire to be visiting any man behind bars or explaining the situation to my children. He actually has a daughter in Pensacola by a girl who I went to high school. She liked him while we dated and was very flirtatious with him. She eventually got the prize and made sure all my friends told me about it. She didn't realize he wasn't a prize anymore, just a little cheap toy in the bottom of some Cracker Jacks. Even though she was trifling, I feel sorry for her because she truly is a single mom and her daughter will never have a father. I can't imagine.

The fool actually asked me to marry him at one point; he even had a ring for me. I knew it was neither the right time or man and told him so. Thank God for insight!

Monday, October 20, 2008

What should I write?

Well, I sat down to post something today and couldn't think of a thing to write to start this week. So, I looked at a previous post to get ideas and saw this.

I sing: to my children every day

Then, I thought of something that none of you know about me.

I used to sing a lot in church but that really changed in March 1994. Let me tell you a little about it.

When I was a little girl, my family (extended family included) was really into music. I have a cousin who is a very seriously good musician. His specialty is the trumpet but he can play almost every instrument there is. Well, on second thought, I don't think he can play string instruments. This fool lives in Houston too and one day I'm going to get him to play at our church. Anyway, we frequently had talent shows in my aunt's backyard with at least 50 people in attendance. We coordinated dance routines, sang songs, and had so much fun together.

One of my older cousins decided to form a group with us younger ones. So, we formed a quartet and would sing church songs. Sometimes, we had a fifth member as well. We got pretty serious with this and eventually were invited to sing at a lot of different churches. From my memory, we sounded pretty good too. A funny thing about this though is my cousin named our group. I can't remember what it was though. But, almost every time we would go sing, she had changed the name of the group so we never knew when it was our time until she would start hitting us to get up.

This really sparked an interest in music and I went on to join a wonderful community youth choir in Pensacola. The director was absolutely amazing, although a little nuts sometimes. We had about 150 members and everyone loved singing with this choir. It was in this choir that I learned I have a range from 2nd soprano to 2nd tenor...because he made us all sing individually to find this out. Some of our songs had parts divided into 1st soprano, 2nd soprano, 1st alto, 2nd alto, 1st tenor, 2nd tenor, baritone, bass, and whatever I might have left out.

Eventually, as with most things, this choir fizzled. The problem was the director got an amazing job opportunity in another city and moved away. No one could fill his shoes.

Of course, I also sang at my church. Believe it or not, I sang solos too. The last time I led a song was March 1994. I don't remember the title, but one line was "the anointing makes a difference in my life". I sang it the last time my mom attended church. That week, she went in the hospital and never left. I have never sang a solo since and now that I write this I'm convinced it's related to her death.

I actually miss singing. I'm going to choir practice this week, for real. However, my rule still stands. I'm not singing into anyone's mic. I'm too scared for all that.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Our Garden



Did I tell you all that we have a garden in our backyard. It was supposed to be a project for me and the kids but Mr. Perfectionist got involved and has us checking the pH level of our soil and all kinds of stuff. Anyway, we planted some planned stuff and we also have a compost section. The compost part is where you just throw whatever in the dirt and see what comes up.

We have carrots, scallions, canteloupe, bell pepper, and eggplant plants that are doing well. Here's some pictures:

The canteloupes are so gangster. They are singlehandedly taking over our garden.





Scallions


Carrots



Eggplant (I think)

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Let's Get Personal

So, Trini and I were talking yesterday about revealing personal stuff on our blogs. Some people treat their blogs like they're on a reality show. They reveal very personal triumphs and tragedies. It's probably very cathartic but also very scary. They really put themselves out there to perfect strangers. Anyway, I decided to try this out. Next week, every post is going to be some sort of a personal revelation. I don't know yet just how deep I'll go but I'm curious about how it makes me feel and the comments I'll receive.

So, if there's anything you have ever wondered about me, ask. Or, give me topic ideas. I already have some things in mind. If there's absolutely nothing you're curious about, just sit back and enjoy the ride. You'll definitely learn something new about me.

*****

Danae's new phrase is "I'm frustrated". She's been saying it for a couple of days but Dwayne just heard it last night for the first time. He had to do a double take. She uses it appropriately too. I've been introducing new words to her vocabulary because she had been saying "I'm mad" all the time. We discussed her feelings and I now realize she would say she was mad but really meant frustrated or sad or confused.

*****

I have to get a new car and I don't want to. Because I worked in insurance, I hate the thought of getting another depreciable asset that I have to actually spend money on. But, I need something to fit my growing family. I'm not even going to seriously look until January though. It will be an SUV of some sort and I really don't like trucks.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Going Crazy!

I have been very hormonal this week. Yesterday, I was seriously pissed off with Dwayne about something really inconsequential. I recognize it as being a hormonally induced rage. The night before I got mad with him about something else. I can't explain it but things that normally wouldn't even caused a raised eyebrow are driving me nuts. Dwayne thinks I'm losing my mind. Yesterday, he told me he loves me about 20 times. I think he's scared I might snap and go postal or something. I'm blaming the baby girl! And, the fact that this week is particularly stressful for me because of school and my habit of procrastination.

In my other pregnancies, I don't remember snapping about stuff. With Danae, there was a Donnie McClurkin song that would have me in tears every day. I can't remember which song it was but I had to listen to it every single day and would then be an emotional wreck. This was during my drive to and from work every day. With Brayden, I was too tired to be emotionally charged. This time, it's on.

Danae asked me if I was crazy or something. I asked her if I looked crazy. She said yes. I forgot that I can't ask her questions if I don't want her honest answer. She also told me the baby must be getting very big because my stomach won't stop growing. Isn't she the most comforting child ever?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Introducing my newest godson!!!


Isn't he the cutest??? I think babies are at their cutest when sleeping. He was supposed to be born today but he came a little early on October 1st. Danae said she loves him. Brayden thinks it's Danae's baby picture. I'm not putting his name on here because I didn't even get permission from his mommy to post his picture. I just couldn't resist! I can't wait to see him in person.

Monday, October 13, 2008

I Need Help!

I have a serious condition and I need one of you to help me find a cure.

My name is Bridgette and I'm a procrastinator.

Because of this, I will be extremely busy this week doing things I could've done a month ago.

*****

Danae got mad with me last week. We were in a store looking at baby clothes. I picked up some baby girl clothes and she asked if it was for her sister. I told her it's for another baby. She told me I don't need to buy clothes for another baby because she has a sister who needs clothes. I reminded her that her sister won't be here for a few months. That girl is nothing if not loyal to her siblings. She can beat Brayden down but will kill someone else for messing with him. Crazy!

*****

Brayden now has the habit of getting in his sister's bed to sleep with her at night. The problem is he sleeps so wild that he ends up kicking her out of her own bed. And, she won't sleep in his bed because she still sees it as a crib even though it's been converted to the toddler bed. So, she comes to my room whining about Brayden. Of course, his response is that he loves Danae. How can you be mad with that one? But, we still make him get out. She needs her beauty sleep, you know.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The 3rd Child

In case you didn't know, I am absolutely thrilled that my third child is another girl. Danae and I prayed for a girl and God granted our request. I wouldn't have been disappointed if the baby was a boy but I am happy with the outcome. I don't really know why though. While we were getting the ultrasound, Dwayne and the tech both laughed at me. Why? Because I was just as excited as if it were my first baby. I oohed when she waved her little hand and smiled the entire way through. The tech said most moms aren't as excited after the first baby. But for me, it's as if she's my first. Although I have been a mom for a few years now, I've never been HER mom. Even though I have experience with a daughter, this is a different child who will have a different personality. I can't wait to meet her. I love children in general and have a deeper love for my own babies. Now, I look forward to seeing her and holding her and smelling her. I love that newborn baby smell. I look forward to the sleepless nights and horribly sore boobs. I look forward to getting to know her likes and dislikes, to teaching and loving her, to introducing her to this world, and to prepare her for heaven. In short, I can't wait.

If only I didn't have to go through the delivery part. A lot of moms say you don't remember the pain of childbirth. And, that's true to some extent. I can't really remember what it felt like but I do remember it hurt although obviously not enough for me to get an epidural. I also remember that it was a very different feeling each child and I only hope this is a little easier for me. I'm sure it'll be quicker. Danae was born 4 1/2 hours after we got to the hospital, Brayden came in 2 hours. My doctor told me this time I should head to the hospital after my first contraction to avoid a delivery on the freeway. The good thing about this type of pain is that the prize at the end is the best thing you can ever hope for.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

The other part of yesterday's post

I fail: when it comes to disciplining my children
I dream: crazy but very realistic dreams when I sleep. I almost always have to figure out if was real or not the next morning.
I sleep: with 3 pillows
I wonder: if Brayden is going to try to kill the new baby

I want: Apple pie and ice cream
I worry: about the world I'm bringing children into
I have: a better life than I thought I would

I give: more to others than to myself
I fight: the urge to eat chocolate every single day

I am: tired of being pregnant because I haven't had a good night's rest in months.
I can’t: cook rice and peas to save my life
I stay: home all day every single Monday.

I will: get my tubes tied as soon as this baby is out
I can: cook but I don't enjoy it
I would:
love to visit Italy
I might: go crazy if Danae tells me one more time that she wants another Barbie doll

I like: to be around family and friends
I love: God

I smile: when my children tell me they love me
I frown: when Dwayne wakes me up early in the morning
I read: my Bible every night before I go to bed no matter how tired I may be

I work: more as a stay at home mom than I did at my actual job

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

More About Me

I don't really have much to talk about so I'm going to do a little something I saw on someone else's blog. You may learn something new about me or you may not.

I am not: someone who will walk on egg shells around anyone. I can't handle overly sensitive people
I hear: Diego singing about a humpback whale
I regret: not finishing college when I went the first time
I care: more about people's feelings than most people think

I always: think optimistically about everything
I long to: have a flat stomach again
I feel alone: never because there's always someone in my face
I hide: and eat chocolate sometimes since Dwayne doesn't want me to while I'm pregnant.
I drive: very safely although Dwayne and Danae tell me I drive too fast sometimes

I sing: to my children every day
I dance: with Brayden almost every day
I write: on my blog when I feel like it

I breathe: because God has not stopped me from living yet
I play: basketball with the kids every day
I miss:
my mother and my cousin Javares
I search: on Google almost daily
I say:
"I love you" to my husband and kids every day
I feel: extremely blessed to have the life I have

I succeed: by letting God direct my path